Problematicness

Sometimes... I like to start trouble for no reason.

Sometimes... I like to make things harder for me or anyone around me... just because I can.

Yesterday I wrote something to my girlfriend that sounded like I was going to cheat on her. Or at least that's what she thought about it. So then she told me that she would rather me have sex with her... and it came out totally wrong. So she got even more mad. She didn't want to admit that. She just told me that the reason she is mad is because what I said was wrong. But I have nothing to be sorry about except that she had to take it that way.

Now she telling me that I should be sorry. But what I do instead is make things as worse as possible. Ever since I was small I have always been like that. I might say something like, "Shup up." to my dad. And he might say, "What did you say?" and instead of correcting the situation I would say, "I said shut the fuck up." that is the type of person I am. Never backing down and always taking things to the next level... and especially when it is not needed.

So now I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is contemplating whether this relationship is really worth it. I broke down some of her ideals during the past two days, disproved her perfection theory of me... disproved that she could never get angry at me, disproved that she could never call me stupid, and tricked her admitting that she wants to have sex. (and believe me, for anyone that knows about woman, you wouldn't tell me that's not what she said.)

I think this is the furthest I've ever pushed it.

I feel good about it though. That's pretty retarded huh?

I hope one day she moves on and finds someone who can actually love her... because as far as I am concerned... I only wish to serve her whole-heartedly... do everything she asks me to, as long as it doesn't mean I have to change how I feel about anything.

I could rub her feet every day, cook her meals, raise her some little children, pay the bills, pleasure her but not myself... I could do it all, but I could never feel comfortable enough with myself to let her see the monster I have been growing... the dark... problematic monster.