Day1: Friday: Had a tough time at the airport... but when I got out of there my love was waiting for me. We hugged and we had an awkward "Let's move somewhere where we can really hug." and then we hugged some more. That day we went to meet her mother in waikiki, on the way I got some melon slushie or somethin', it was watery. Her mom decided to meet us somewhere easier to find while I was drinking. We were to met her at a closer area for food. We got sandwiches. Me, Her, Her mom, and Her mom's friend/Co-worker. This was my first chance to show her mom that I could be funny, and I did well. After that we dropped off my luggage at the hotel her mom was running, and we walked around waikiki for a bit (after finding the bathroom)
(to be continued)
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Sad when I am Glad
It's kind of funny how lately me and my girlfriend can never be happy at the same time. One of us always has to be sad so that the other is happy.
This time it is my girlfriend's turn. The oddest thing about this time though is that it actually feels real. All the other times it felt like she was just doing it 'because'. But now she really is in some mess that she can't think of anyway to escape. I told her just tell me and it will all be over but she can't tell me. She says, "I know it's bad but I can't remember it." I think that is a load of crock. But I tell her, "It's okay, you don't need to tell me, whenever you feel better we can talk about it." but I know she won't get better. I have been doing this myself for a while. Stressing over something that is nothing.
She knows that. I wonder what could be so bad? What could the reason be that she hates herself? What could the reason be that she lies to everyone including herself? If I could know that I would feel very happy. I would feel like I finally know something about her.
She knows everything about me... in a way I feel dumb saying this: But I think I deserve to know SOMETHING about her in exchange for everything she knows about me. I mean shouldn't she trust me enough already to tell me? She could tell me that she killed a man and I would still love her. She could tell me ANYTHING at all and I would still love her. She could tell me, "I never really loved you..." and I would STILL love her!
I just think that... whatever it is... if it's so stressful for her.... she should just spit it out like always do, and then we can feel uncomfortable for a little like always, and then we can talk, and everything can be normal again.
This time it is my girlfriend's turn. The oddest thing about this time though is that it actually feels real. All the other times it felt like she was just doing it 'because'. But now she really is in some mess that she can't think of anyway to escape. I told her just tell me and it will all be over but she can't tell me. She says, "I know it's bad but I can't remember it." I think that is a load of crock. But I tell her, "It's okay, you don't need to tell me, whenever you feel better we can talk about it." but I know she won't get better. I have been doing this myself for a while. Stressing over something that is nothing.
She knows that. I wonder what could be so bad? What could the reason be that she hates herself? What could the reason be that she lies to everyone including herself? If I could know that I would feel very happy. I would feel like I finally know something about her.
She knows everything about me... in a way I feel dumb saying this: But I think I deserve to know SOMETHING about her in exchange for everything she knows about me. I mean shouldn't she trust me enough already to tell me? She could tell me that she killed a man and I would still love her. She could tell me ANYTHING at all and I would still love her. She could tell me, "I never really loved you..." and I would STILL love her!
I just think that... whatever it is... if it's so stressful for her.... she should just spit it out like always do, and then we can feel uncomfortable for a little like always, and then we can talk, and everything can be normal again.
Sunday, 3 August 2008
An Appetite for Sex
One thing I am torn between is Love and Sex.
In my life I have always had this ongoing war. I want war as much as I want sex (or so it seems) and I do not actually want both at the same time. (or maybe I do) Even I am not sure.
But lately I look down on myself because I have a girlfriend that I am serious about. Watching pornography actually makes me feel like a sleeze bag... but I usually think that pornography is just a normal thing that people enjoy sometimes. And when I discuss sex with my girlfriend she seems to be the type who doesn't want to have sex ever, and only for the sake of children after marriage.
Funny thing about that: I don't want children! And she says that she does not want to go through child birth.
There have been many incidents where I just went, "I can't go the rest of my life without sex just because I am faithful to someone doesn't want any!" This is a dilemma for me. I know she's normal about sex whenever it's a joke or whatever but then when we are talking about us having sex (which she refers to as her having sex in general really, ex; "I wouldn't have sex with anyone, not just you." type of thing. "Sex seems to ruin relationships [in general]"
For once I would just feel so much more comfortable with myself if she were to say something small like, "I hope we don't have an accident when you visit." or something... therefor meaning she wants to, but she is saying that we better not have an accident if we even go that far.
But instead I have to use my father's words as an excuse to bring sex to her attention, "My father constantly tells me I better not come back with children." she answers, "Well, you won't."
I want love.
Love is forever... and you are not as lucky for sex. But I want sex too! While I'm young, please! How can I look at life this way, respect my girlfriend, and not lose my mind all at the same time?!
My temporary answer is pornography... that makes me feel bad since I'm in a relationship. She wants me to stop watching pornography too... How will I survive this relationship. I'd have to completely change my personality... which is not possible, because you cannot unlearn alot of the things I've seen.
I hate myself for thinking this way too.
In my life I have always had this ongoing war. I want war as much as I want sex (or so it seems) and I do not actually want both at the same time. (or maybe I do) Even I am not sure.
But lately I look down on myself because I have a girlfriend that I am serious about. Watching pornography actually makes me feel like a sleeze bag... but I usually think that pornography is just a normal thing that people enjoy sometimes. And when I discuss sex with my girlfriend she seems to be the type who doesn't want to have sex ever, and only for the sake of children after marriage.
Funny thing about that: I don't want children! And she says that she does not want to go through child birth.
There have been many incidents where I just went, "I can't go the rest of my life without sex just because I am faithful to someone doesn't want any!" This is a dilemma for me. I know she's normal about sex whenever it's a joke or whatever but then when we are talking about us having sex (which she refers to as her having sex in general really, ex; "I wouldn't have sex with anyone, not just you." type of thing. "Sex seems to ruin relationships [in general]"
For once I would just feel so much more comfortable with myself if she were to say something small like, "I hope we don't have an accident when you visit." or something... therefor meaning she wants to, but she is saying that we better not have an accident if we even go that far.
But instead I have to use my father's words as an excuse to bring sex to her attention, "My father constantly tells me I better not come back with children." she answers, "Well, you won't."
I want love.
Love is forever... and you are not as lucky for sex. But I want sex too! While I'm young, please! How can I look at life this way, respect my girlfriend, and not lose my mind all at the same time?!
My temporary answer is pornography... that makes me feel bad since I'm in a relationship. She wants me to stop watching pornography too... How will I survive this relationship. I'd have to completely change my personality... which is not possible, because you cannot unlearn alot of the things I've seen.
I hate myself for thinking this way too.
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