Sometimes... I like to start trouble for no reason.
Sometimes... I like to make things harder for me or anyone around me... just because I can.
Yesterday I wrote something to my girlfriend that sounded like I was going to cheat on her. Or at least that's what she thought about it. So then she told me that she would rather me have sex with her... and it came out totally wrong. So she got even more mad. She didn't want to admit that. She just told me that the reason she is mad is because what I said was wrong. But I have nothing to be sorry about except that she had to take it that way.
Now she telling me that I should be sorry. But what I do instead is make things as worse as possible. Ever since I was small I have always been like that. I might say something like, "Shup up." to my dad. And he might say, "What did you say?" and instead of correcting the situation I would say, "I said shut the fuck up." that is the type of person I am. Never backing down and always taking things to the next level... and especially when it is not needed.
So now I'm pretty sure my girlfriend is contemplating whether this relationship is really worth it. I broke down some of her ideals during the past two days, disproved her perfection theory of me... disproved that she could never get angry at me, disproved that she could never call me stupid, and tricked her admitting that she wants to have sex. (and believe me, for anyone that knows about woman, you wouldn't tell me that's not what she said.)
I think this is the furthest I've ever pushed it.
I feel good about it though. That's pretty retarded huh?
I hope one day she moves on and finds someone who can actually love her... because as far as I am concerned... I only wish to serve her whole-heartedly... do everything she asks me to, as long as it doesn't mean I have to change how I feel about anything.
I could rub her feet every day, cook her meals, raise her some little children, pay the bills, pleasure her but not myself... I could do it all, but I could never feel comfortable enough with myself to let her see the monster I have been growing... the dark... problematic monster.
Monday, 8 September 2008
Thursday, 21 August 2008
A Week In My Paradise
Day1: Friday: Had a tough time at the airport... but when I got out of there my love was waiting for me. We hugged and we had an awkward "Let's move somewhere where we can really hug." and then we hugged some more. That day we went to meet her mother in waikiki, on the way I got some melon slushie or somethin', it was watery. Her mom decided to meet us somewhere easier to find while I was drinking. We were to met her at a closer area for food. We got sandwiches. Me, Her, Her mom, and Her mom's friend/Co-worker. This was my first chance to show her mom that I could be funny, and I did well. After that we dropped off my luggage at the hotel her mom was running, and we walked around waikiki for a bit (after finding the bathroom)
(to be continued)
(to be continued)
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Sad when I am Glad
It's kind of funny how lately me and my girlfriend can never be happy at the same time. One of us always has to be sad so that the other is happy.
This time it is my girlfriend's turn. The oddest thing about this time though is that it actually feels real. All the other times it felt like she was just doing it 'because'. But now she really is in some mess that she can't think of anyway to escape. I told her just tell me and it will all be over but she can't tell me. She says, "I know it's bad but I can't remember it." I think that is a load of crock. But I tell her, "It's okay, you don't need to tell me, whenever you feel better we can talk about it." but I know she won't get better. I have been doing this myself for a while. Stressing over something that is nothing.
She knows that. I wonder what could be so bad? What could the reason be that she hates herself? What could the reason be that she lies to everyone including herself? If I could know that I would feel very happy. I would feel like I finally know something about her.
She knows everything about me... in a way I feel dumb saying this: But I think I deserve to know SOMETHING about her in exchange for everything she knows about me. I mean shouldn't she trust me enough already to tell me? She could tell me that she killed a man and I would still love her. She could tell me ANYTHING at all and I would still love her. She could tell me, "I never really loved you..." and I would STILL love her!
I just think that... whatever it is... if it's so stressful for her.... she should just spit it out like always do, and then we can feel uncomfortable for a little like always, and then we can talk, and everything can be normal again.
This time it is my girlfriend's turn. The oddest thing about this time though is that it actually feels real. All the other times it felt like she was just doing it 'because'. But now she really is in some mess that she can't think of anyway to escape. I told her just tell me and it will all be over but she can't tell me. She says, "I know it's bad but I can't remember it." I think that is a load of crock. But I tell her, "It's okay, you don't need to tell me, whenever you feel better we can talk about it." but I know she won't get better. I have been doing this myself for a while. Stressing over something that is nothing.
She knows that. I wonder what could be so bad? What could the reason be that she hates herself? What could the reason be that she lies to everyone including herself? If I could know that I would feel very happy. I would feel like I finally know something about her.
She knows everything about me... in a way I feel dumb saying this: But I think I deserve to know SOMETHING about her in exchange for everything she knows about me. I mean shouldn't she trust me enough already to tell me? She could tell me that she killed a man and I would still love her. She could tell me ANYTHING at all and I would still love her. She could tell me, "I never really loved you..." and I would STILL love her!
I just think that... whatever it is... if it's so stressful for her.... she should just spit it out like always do, and then we can feel uncomfortable for a little like always, and then we can talk, and everything can be normal again.
Sunday, 3 August 2008
An Appetite for Sex
One thing I am torn between is Love and Sex.
In my life I have always had this ongoing war. I want war as much as I want sex (or so it seems) and I do not actually want both at the same time. (or maybe I do) Even I am not sure.
But lately I look down on myself because I have a girlfriend that I am serious about. Watching pornography actually makes me feel like a sleeze bag... but I usually think that pornography is just a normal thing that people enjoy sometimes. And when I discuss sex with my girlfriend she seems to be the type who doesn't want to have sex ever, and only for the sake of children after marriage.
Funny thing about that: I don't want children! And she says that she does not want to go through child birth.
There have been many incidents where I just went, "I can't go the rest of my life without sex just because I am faithful to someone doesn't want any!" This is a dilemma for me. I know she's normal about sex whenever it's a joke or whatever but then when we are talking about us having sex (which she refers to as her having sex in general really, ex; "I wouldn't have sex with anyone, not just you." type of thing. "Sex seems to ruin relationships [in general]"
For once I would just feel so much more comfortable with myself if she were to say something small like, "I hope we don't have an accident when you visit." or something... therefor meaning she wants to, but she is saying that we better not have an accident if we even go that far.
But instead I have to use my father's words as an excuse to bring sex to her attention, "My father constantly tells me I better not come back with children." she answers, "Well, you won't."
I want love.
Love is forever... and you are not as lucky for sex. But I want sex too! While I'm young, please! How can I look at life this way, respect my girlfriend, and not lose my mind all at the same time?!
My temporary answer is pornography... that makes me feel bad since I'm in a relationship. She wants me to stop watching pornography too... How will I survive this relationship. I'd have to completely change my personality... which is not possible, because you cannot unlearn alot of the things I've seen.
I hate myself for thinking this way too.
In my life I have always had this ongoing war. I want war as much as I want sex (or so it seems) and I do not actually want both at the same time. (or maybe I do) Even I am not sure.
But lately I look down on myself because I have a girlfriend that I am serious about. Watching pornography actually makes me feel like a sleeze bag... but I usually think that pornography is just a normal thing that people enjoy sometimes. And when I discuss sex with my girlfriend she seems to be the type who doesn't want to have sex ever, and only for the sake of children after marriage.
Funny thing about that: I don't want children! And she says that she does not want to go through child birth.
There have been many incidents where I just went, "I can't go the rest of my life without sex just because I am faithful to someone doesn't want any!" This is a dilemma for me. I know she's normal about sex whenever it's a joke or whatever but then when we are talking about us having sex (which she refers to as her having sex in general really, ex; "I wouldn't have sex with anyone, not just you." type of thing. "Sex seems to ruin relationships [in general]"
For once I would just feel so much more comfortable with myself if she were to say something small like, "I hope we don't have an accident when you visit." or something... therefor meaning she wants to, but she is saying that we better not have an accident if we even go that far.
But instead I have to use my father's words as an excuse to bring sex to her attention, "My father constantly tells me I better not come back with children." she answers, "Well, you won't."
I want love.
Love is forever... and you are not as lucky for sex. But I want sex too! While I'm young, please! How can I look at life this way, respect my girlfriend, and not lose my mind all at the same time?!
My temporary answer is pornography... that makes me feel bad since I'm in a relationship. She wants me to stop watching pornography too... How will I survive this relationship. I'd have to completely change my personality... which is not possible, because you cannot unlearn alot of the things I've seen.
I hate myself for thinking this way too.
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Insanity Lingers
What a week... One day I am at work and I decide I am okay again.
So I go home and I want to speak to her but it turns out she is angry, so then I get angry. So then we are angry, and then we are both happy. You know how that is?
But even today as I talk my lovely girlfriend I realize that... insanity lingers.
Everything can be okey-dokey, but as long as I am mentally unstable this will keep happening. How long until I crack again? I'm counting down the days to an invisible date.
Everything she says makes me think she's hiding something. Then the next thing sounds like she's absolutely trying her hardest to make me jealous. Then after that it seems like she is 'sorry' but I know she enjoys it.
Maybe the date of descent is upon me already, as I have already said, I don't know when it will happen, it just does.
So I go home and I want to speak to her but it turns out she is angry, so then I get angry. So then we are angry, and then we are both happy. You know how that is?
But even today as I talk my lovely girlfriend I realize that... insanity lingers.
Everything can be okey-dokey, but as long as I am mentally unstable this will keep happening. How long until I crack again? I'm counting down the days to an invisible date.
Everything she says makes me think she's hiding something. Then the next thing sounds like she's absolutely trying her hardest to make me jealous. Then after that it seems like she is 'sorry' but I know she enjoys it.
Maybe the date of descent is upon me already, as I have already said, I don't know when it will happen, it just does.
Saturday, 26 July 2008
Manic!
Merry day to all! Wow?! I feel weird! I feel very sad but I just can't help feeling hyper and bubbly! Is that normal? No, I'd say it is most definitely not! But it feels okay!
With life is putting me down around every corner I think the only way I can tackle it is by brushing it off and saying, "Meh, I like pancakes with strawberry jam."
Today feels like a good day, but I know it's a bad day! tummy-tuck! Why is this happening? I think it's because things have become too much for me to handle... mm-hm... maybe-so!
I feel so embarrassed at the exclamation overload, if this offended anyone, "I am sorry." and also, "Would you like a slice of my pancakes? They are very good. I used strawberry jam!"
Oh! She left without a word? Maybe she wants me to be sad? I think she does! What a liar she is, I knew she was lying to me and now she admits it! Incredible! She left me with a "I'm going to lunch okay?" and she didn't even mention love or anything. Ha-ha! Indeed being this way is somewhat enjoyable. Hm... I wonder if I will be okay after this. Maybe not, so I will ride this out for longer then my body wants to. Maybe I can laugh all my troubles away! hee-hee-hee!
With life is putting me down around every corner I think the only way I can tackle it is by brushing it off and saying, "Meh, I like pancakes with strawberry jam."
Today feels like a good day, but I know it's a bad day! tummy-tuck! Why is this happening? I think it's because things have become too much for me to handle... mm-hm... maybe-so!
I feel so embarrassed at the exclamation overload, if this offended anyone, "I am sorry." and also, "Would you like a slice of my pancakes? They are very good. I used strawberry jam!"
Oh! She left without a word? Maybe she wants me to be sad? I think she does! What a liar she is, I knew she was lying to me and now she admits it! Incredible! She left me with a "I'm going to lunch okay?" and she didn't even mention love or anything. Ha-ha! Indeed being this way is somewhat enjoyable. Hm... I wonder if I will be okay after this. Maybe not, so I will ride this out for longer then my body wants to. Maybe I can laugh all my troubles away! hee-hee-hee!
Love with No Conditions.
Before... Before I had ever met her I had a mind open to love, open to this romantic ideal that: Maybe, once in a life time you will find someone that is perfect for you. I thought... "How amazing... I want to feel love."
I've had crushes ever since I could remember. And I was never a normal kid either. If I liked you... I might not have even known you... I just liked you. I used to dream about just somebody, anybody, any random girl just telling me, "I love you, do you love me?" I would have told her yes.
But time withers away even hope.
Once, I found someone who enjoyed me as much I as enjoyed them. That ended almost as badly as they usually end. She found another boy and moved on. How sad... how pitiful... that I didn't say anything.
Most of the time I like someone... I won't know it until it's too late... and even then... it's too late once again because I know I will never tell them how I feel, and even then... what are the chances that they will say, "I noticed you too... I would like to know you..." The chances are so minuscule that it hurt me every time this... "LOVE CYCLE" reared it's ugly head.
I used to love for no reason... why did I do it to myself? Or at least... Why could I have acted on my intense feelings?
I've had crushes ever since I could remember. And I was never a normal kid either. If I liked you... I might not have even known you... I just liked you. I used to dream about just somebody, anybody, any random girl just telling me, "I love you, do you love me?" I would have told her yes.
But time withers away even hope.
Once, I found someone who enjoyed me as much I as enjoyed them. That ended almost as badly as they usually end. She found another boy and moved on. How sad... how pitiful... that I didn't say anything.
Most of the time I like someone... I won't know it until it's too late... and even then... it's too late once again because I know I will never tell them how I feel, and even then... what are the chances that they will say, "I noticed you too... I would like to know you..." The chances are so minuscule that it hurt me every time this... "LOVE CYCLE" reared it's ugly head.
I used to love for no reason... why did I do it to myself? Or at least... Why could I have acted on my intense feelings?
Friday, 25 July 2008
Untrustworthy Slave
Today I calmed down.
I told her all of that and then after that I told her, "It's okay. I can take it." I told her I am okay with her not trusting me... I will be her slave.
I wonder how long I can keep myself unemotionally attached to something like this... or can I even start? Today I am fine... will we be fine tomorrow?
I am a Jack-in-the-Box. When will I surprise you...? Well, that is the surprise.
I told her all of that and then after that I told her, "It's okay. I can take it." I told her I am okay with her not trusting me... I will be her slave.
I wonder how long I can keep myself unemotionally attached to something like this... or can I even start? Today I am fine... will we be fine tomorrow?
I am a Jack-in-the-Box. When will I surprise you...? Well, that is the surprise.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
In The Morning Calm
After a message to my girlfriend I was completely spent... I went to sleep. But in the night the things I said rolled over in my head one million times... and I realized... that this could be the last time we break up... we could actually break up and be happy to be rid of on both sides. She could tell me that she never wants to hear from me again and I could tell her that I don't ever want to hear another word from her silver tongue.
in the night I remembered... "why don't you trust me... you don't trust me. I know you don't. I probably did it to myself... or maybe you really don't trust anyone... I will still stick to you though... even if you don't actually trust me... it makes me sad though... right now my attitude is to accept it. But can I? You might say you have no idea what I'm talking about, and to tell you the truth I have no idea what it is you don't trust me with, but I'm saying it anyway, and we'll just let you think about it without thinking I know something... like seriously... I have no idea what it is... but I've spilled my soul all over the ground beneath you. As you walk through it... do you ever think that it isn't so bad...? I probably don't have problems at all...?"
I thought in the morning we would have a brawl... but instead you were not online. You left me a message and your idol icon. An hour passed by so quick... you aren't coming back... are you?
Why can't you tell me the truth?
This morning... is an empty one...
in the night I remembered... "why don't you trust me... you don't trust me. I know you don't. I probably did it to myself... or maybe you really don't trust anyone... I will still stick to you though... even if you don't actually trust me... it makes me sad though... right now my attitude is to accept it. But can I? You might say you have no idea what I'm talking about, and to tell you the truth I have no idea what it is you don't trust me with, but I'm saying it anyway, and we'll just let you think about it without thinking I know something... like seriously... I have no idea what it is... but I've spilled my soul all over the ground beneath you. As you walk through it... do you ever think that it isn't so bad...? I probably don't have problems at all...?"
I thought in the morning we would have a brawl... but instead you were not online. You left me a message and your idol icon. An hour passed by so quick... you aren't coming back... are you?
Why can't you tell me the truth?
This morning... is an empty one...
Uncalled Answers
A few hours ago I was depressed and anxious and ready to get up in the morning and give my girlfriend the coldest shoulder she had ever seen.
In the past few hours I have read about 100 e-mails from the past. These e-mails take place from around 2005 to 2007. These e-mails show the struggle I have had with myself since I was a child... but with a new variable... 'love'.
It's so late... at night. I'm starving... but I am obsessively trying to find an answer that there is no question to. Why am I always doing this?
Lately I am sad one second and happy the next! I hate it! Anything can set me off but the main thing is my girlfriend. Earlier on I was thinking she is darkness reincarnated. Now I'm thinking she is still darkness reincarnated but I love her. This girl is definitely hiding something... but do I really NEED to know? Why do I feel like I have to know? Why am I trying to fine the bad in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?
I read through many e-mails... her tone changed so much since the beginning. In the beginning we didn't care so much for each other, THAT was her tone, now she speaks like she is some sort of nice girl who can take abuse. I don't want her to do that. I want her abuse me! I want pay back for all the things I have done! Why is she doing this!? It is worse then being punished.... or at least this is the worst form of punishment I have ever experienced. But she says she loves me more then anything... is she really punishing me unknowingly? Or is she playing with my heart until she cuts the strings that let me fall.
The e-mails did not hold answers... but memories. The memories will sustain me until morning... What does it all mean...? My mood swings... are because of her... they really are.... but I don't want to tell her that and hurt her feelings. She is delicate and would do anything to prevent another break-up. But why is this happening...?
I wish she would punch me in the face. I wish she would tell me to shut up when I say something insensible. She is letting the animal run free, to be with an animal you must tame it. I want to be with someone who KNOWS how to handle me... not someone who lets me walk all over her...
In the past few hours I have read about 100 e-mails from the past. These e-mails take place from around 2005 to 2007. These e-mails show the struggle I have had with myself since I was a child... but with a new variable... 'love'.
It's so late... at night. I'm starving... but I am obsessively trying to find an answer that there is no question to. Why am I always doing this?
Lately I am sad one second and happy the next! I hate it! Anything can set me off but the main thing is my girlfriend. Earlier on I was thinking she is darkness reincarnated. Now I'm thinking she is still darkness reincarnated but I love her. This girl is definitely hiding something... but do I really NEED to know? Why do I feel like I have to know? Why am I trying to fine the bad in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?
I read through many e-mails... her tone changed so much since the beginning. In the beginning we didn't care so much for each other, THAT was her tone, now she speaks like she is some sort of nice girl who can take abuse. I don't want her to do that. I want her abuse me! I want pay back for all the things I have done! Why is she doing this!? It is worse then being punished.... or at least this is the worst form of punishment I have ever experienced. But she says she loves me more then anything... is she really punishing me unknowingly? Or is she playing with my heart until she cuts the strings that let me fall.
The e-mails did not hold answers... but memories. The memories will sustain me until morning... What does it all mean...? My mood swings... are because of her... they really are.... but I don't want to tell her that and hurt her feelings. She is delicate and would do anything to prevent another break-up. But why is this happening...?
I wish she would punch me in the face. I wish she would tell me to shut up when I say something insensible. She is letting the animal run free, to be with an animal you must tame it. I want to be with someone who KNOWS how to handle me... not someone who lets me walk all over her...
She made me lost.
I was born confused, just stick with me. I want some advice...
Today I was bored and I typed in my girlfriend's username for another site called GAIAonline. The site is 100% for making money and stuff like that... I have grown to hate it. But yeah... actually I am being crazy right now, her username is actually from her myspace; a site I actually love, it keeps me in touch with my friends and it allows me to see how they're doing. Yeah, but I checked her username over google... guess what? I found this website. I FOUND THIS WEBSITE! You don't know how scared I was that I found something she hid from me. She hid it...
My girlfriend wrote that she could be a pedofile... if I wasn't already confused (which I was, no doubt about it) I was undoubtedly more confused then I thought was possible. I found so much material by just typing in her username. How is it possible that internet holds your identity from everyone, but one small thing like this and I know everything she has been doing? I am so lost...
She never puts anything on her myspace. She's so secretive. I always think she's hiding stuff... I couldn't believe she really was. She even has videos online about how much fun she has... she's never THAT energetic around me...
Sometimes I believe she loves me... and sometimes I think she thinks I am a game... a game that she take apart and puts together and take apart again just to leave there, on the floor, in shambles. Pieces! SCRAPS of little cardboard PIECES!
Why is she like this... Can't she trust me? I'm no perfect person either. I could accept anything she is. I love her enough to die for her... If she told me to kill myself... I would.
Today I was bored and I typed in my girlfriend's username for another site called GAIAonline. The site is 100% for making money and stuff like that... I have grown to hate it. But yeah... actually I am being crazy right now, her username is actually from her myspace; a site I actually love, it keeps me in touch with my friends and it allows me to see how they're doing. Yeah, but I checked her username over google... guess what? I found this website. I FOUND THIS WEBSITE! You don't know how scared I was that I found something she hid from me. She hid it...
My girlfriend wrote that she could be a pedofile... if I wasn't already confused (which I was, no doubt about it) I was undoubtedly more confused then I thought was possible. I found so much material by just typing in her username. How is it possible that internet holds your identity from everyone, but one small thing like this and I know everything she has been doing? I am so lost...
She never puts anything on her myspace. She's so secretive. I always think she's hiding stuff... I couldn't believe she really was. She even has videos online about how much fun she has... she's never THAT energetic around me...
Sometimes I believe she loves me... and sometimes I think she thinks I am a game... a game that she take apart and puts together and take apart again just to leave there, on the floor, in shambles. Pieces! SCRAPS of little cardboard PIECES!
Why is she like this... Can't she trust me? I'm no perfect person either. I could accept anything she is. I love her enough to die for her... If she told me to kill myself... I would.
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