Uncalled Answers

A few hours ago I was depressed and anxious and ready to get up in the morning and give my girlfriend the coldest shoulder she had ever seen.

In the past few hours I have read about 100 e-mails from the past. These e-mails take place from around 2005 to 2007. These e-mails show the struggle I have had with myself since I was a child... but with a new variable... 'love'.

It's so late... at night. I'm starving... but I am obsessively trying to find an answer that there is no question to. Why am I always doing this?

Lately I am sad one second and happy the next! I hate it! Anything can set me off but the main thing is my girlfriend. Earlier on I was thinking she is darkness reincarnated. Now I'm thinking she is still darkness reincarnated but I love her. This girl is definitely hiding something... but do I really NEED to know? Why do I feel like I have to know? Why am I trying to fine the bad in someone I want to spend the rest of my life with?

I read through many e-mails... her tone changed so much since the beginning. In the beginning we didn't care so much for each other, THAT was her tone, now she speaks like she is some sort of nice girl who can take abuse. I don't want her to do that. I want her abuse me! I want pay back for all the things I have done! Why is she doing this!? It is worse then being punished.... or at least this is the worst form of punishment I have ever experienced. But she says she loves me more then anything... is she really punishing me unknowingly? Or is she playing with my heart until she cuts the strings that let me fall.

The e-mails did not hold answers... but memories. The memories will sustain me until morning... What does it all mean...? My mood swings... are because of her... they really are.... but I don't want to tell her that and hurt her feelings. She is delicate and would do anything to prevent another break-up. But why is this happening...?

I wish she would punch me in the face. I wish she would tell me to shut up when I say something insensible. She is letting the animal run free, to be with an animal you must tame it. I want to be with someone who KNOWS how to handle me... not someone who lets me walk all over her...