An Appetite for Sex

One thing I am torn between is Love and Sex.

In my life I have always had this ongoing war. I want war as much as I want sex (or so it seems) and I do not actually want both at the same time. (or maybe I do) Even I am not sure.

But lately I look down on myself because I have a girlfriend that I am serious about. Watching pornography actually makes me feel like a sleeze bag... but I usually think that pornography is just a normal thing that people enjoy sometimes. And when I discuss sex with my girlfriend she seems to be the type who doesn't want to have sex ever, and only for the sake of children after marriage.

Funny thing about that: I don't want children! And she says that she does not want to go through child birth.

There have been many incidents where I just went, "I can't go the rest of my life without sex just because I am faithful to someone doesn't want any!" This is a dilemma for me. I know she's normal about sex whenever it's a joke or whatever but then when we are talking about us having sex (which she refers to as her having sex in general really, ex; "I wouldn't have sex with anyone, not just you." type of thing. "Sex seems to ruin relationships [in general]"

For once I would just feel so much more comfortable with myself if she were to say something small like, "I hope we don't have an accident when you visit." or something... therefor meaning she wants to, but she is saying that we better not have an accident if we even go that far.

But instead I have to use my father's words as an excuse to bring sex to her attention, "My father constantly tells me I better not come back with children." she answers, "Well, you won't."

I want love.

Love is forever... and you are not as lucky for sex. But I want sex too! While I'm young, please! How can I look at life this way, respect my girlfriend, and not lose my mind all at the same time?!

My temporary answer is pornography... that makes me feel bad since I'm in a relationship. She wants me to stop watching pornography too... How will I survive this relationship. I'd have to completely change my personality... which is not possible, because you cannot unlearn alot of the things I've seen.

I hate myself for thinking this way too.